I've learned that throught the years you do not lose friends, you find out who the true ones are!

Friends, the word can be so complex sometimes. As I sit here with tears filling my eyes I ponder the thought of how many "real" friends I actually have in my life. Friends have always come and gone through my lifetime but who has stuck by me through it all? Honestly there hasn't been to many friends that have fought for my friendship. As get older, I find that my best friend has changed from a few people but now my best friend is also the man that I love. I know as I get older and begin to take those final steps in my life that someones significant other os suppose to be their bestfriend; but when does having a boyfriend change having friends? It seems like so much has changed in my life these past months since I have been with Josh. In now was do I tak back anything that has happend in these few months. I just wish that people would be more supportive of our relationship. I am so lucky though to have such a great bestfriend that I love so deeply. I am happy that I can sit here and say, I am happy that I am no longer wasting my time with pointless friendships that are not going anywhere! It is time for me to change my outlook on friends and find some that actually care about me!!!!

Its been a while...

It has been quite some time since my last posting and I apologize! I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog but for me it is a nice way to write what I am feeling and share the struggles I have been facing. To read stuff out on paper helps me realize this life that I am living is real. The past few months have been very great for me! On Feb. 9th I started dating a guy named Josh! The funny thing about him is, we have been friends for about 2 years and I had never seen him as anything but "just a friend." He is such a wonderful guy and I cannot imagin my life without him in it. I have been in many different relationships in the past but none have been as in-depth and as great as this one. Josh is a fabulous guy and he really makes me feel loved when I feel unlovable. It's funny but I see myself compairing our relationship to one out of a movie, but most times this relationship I am in is better than the movie! God has really blessed me! I had always seen myself as not being able to find that one person out there for me and when Josh came along, it was a sign from God that all I needed to do was just trust him and he would supply. Josh is everything that I prayed for and more! I have been blessed with him and his WONDERFUL family. I always say to hi, "Sundays are my favorite days of the week because I get to spend time with your family!!!!" His family is so sweet and I see them as the family that I didnt get to grow up with. I never had the luxuory of growing up with my brothers, my brothers were at least 16 years older than me and were out of the house by the time I was 7 so I never got to connect with them growing up. Also, Josh has a sister that I just LOVE to pieces! She is so sweet and I really do have a lot of fun with her. She is like the little sister that I never had. I feel that the greatest part of Sundays is just getting to eat supper with his parents and siblings. His parents are great and really love their family! The one thing I really miss about growing up without my father is, not being able to have family meals with him and my mother. When my father was alive, every meal was at the table together as a family but once he died it was just me and my mother at the dinner table. I guess it is funny the different things in life that you take for granted. I make sure to always try and point out to Josh along with other that family is the number one thing in life1 I'm not just blessed bu my own family now, I am blessed with another family also! Josh and his family are such a great part of my life now and I thank God every day for bringing them into my life!!!!

Oh lead me, to the place where I can find you...

Oh lead me, to the place where I can find you. Oh lead me, to the place where you'll be. Lead me to the cross where we first met, draw me to my knees so we can talk, let me feel your breath, God let me know you're here with me! I am lonely and feeling worthless.....GOD IF YOU ARE HERE SHOW YOURSELF! I NEED YOU!!!!! This is a constant prayer that he hears from me often. This year is one of new things and some new things that I am going to try are, finally putting everything I have into God and trusting him! I have so many fears and things that I can't trust him with but I have to believe and I have to have faith that he will continue to bless me and work within my life. My biggest fear is that I will die alone, that I will not find that perfect someone that everyone has. I'm sick of my friends finding that someone and me having to put a smile on my face while I sit alone by myself night after night. I'M DONE WITH THIS! God will bring someone into my lefe, I just need to wait for him!

I finally gave in and bought a Wii

I am so excited!!!! I finally bought a Nintendo wii! It is amazing and so much fun. It is also great exercise and ahhh so much FUN! I also bought the game, Just Dance with it and that game is sooooo addicting!!!!! I seriously love it soooo much! It was totally worth the $200.00 I spent on it!!!!!

Beauty from pain

My family is probably the most important thing to me and always will be. When my father passed away, we became even closer. Growing up, I did many shameful things that I shouldn't have and if I could do anything over, it would be undoing the things I did as a rebellious kid. When my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I was so upset and mad and I didn't know how to let out my feeling. When my father died, my family became a love to me that I had never felt before. As I look back now, I see how different beautiful things came from the pain that I felt. I love my life and even though my father is not here to share that life with me, God allows him to be here in spirit. I feel that God has really blessed my family through this whole ordeal. I really feel that God opened so many new doors for me through my fathers passing. I would give anything to have my dad back with me but it will not happen while I am here on this earth. Through these past years, I have come to realize, family will be here for me no matter what happens and I think that is a great thing! My life really is beautiful, in a different kinda way!

Knocked Up?

Um no, I'm not knocked up but Katherine Heigl is. Hahaha this is suck a great movie! I haven't had much to do these past few days so I have been watching this movie over and over again. It never gets old!! One of my biggest things that I enjoy doing is watching movies. Lately, I have been getting more and more into movies, seeing that I do not have cable. Here is a short list of the many great movies that I call favorites!

This is me...

As a new chapter in my life is being written, I look back at my past struggles and finding myself to still be worried about them. I seem to always be stuck in the constant battle with myself. I can never seem to live up to my own expectations. Growing up I was never the "skinny popular girl" but as I became older and entered into high school, it didn't matter as much. When I changed high schools freshman year, I made a vow to myself that I would discover who I am and not let my insecurities hinder me. I have always been down on myself because of the way I looked and in high school, I acted like my weight was an issue. I tended to joke about it and be very social so people knew that I was comfortable with myself. I began to interact more with the student body and try to make myself well known and I did. I graduated feeling pretty good about myself. I had many friends, I was the yearbook chief editor, the head of the prom committee and the class president. The one thing I have never really had is a "boyfriend." There have always been potentials but seeing how insecure I have been about my weight, I just push them away before they can get to know me. I have finally decided to let God take control of my life and if there is someone that he wants me to be with, it will happen on my own. I know that I am no miss America but there is someone out there, I'm just looking to hard. I just need to accept, THIS IS ME!

Let it snow!

This was the view out of my window when I woke up this morning!Living in Maine makes for bad winter weather. The past 3 days, we have been in the middle of a noreaster! The roads have been horrible and the snow keeps piling up! Well this morning, I decided to head to church since I didn't have to work today. I got up and hoped into the shower. All I have to say is, that was the worst shower EVER! Half way through, my water turned from hot hot to cold cold! Ahhh it was horrible. So after that dreadful experience, I got ready and did my makeup...well thank god I'm addicted to facebook because I then found out church was cancelled! Well, I feel that today is now going to be a pretty mellow day. I am going to hear to the mall and buy season 1 of GLEE!!!!!!! I am so excited, lets hope this day turns around fast!

RING RING....it's the call

"I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,WHY DO I LOVE YOU?" When I hear that dreadful song come on as my ringtone I know that it is him calling me! The past year was one filled with new experiences and one filled with fun and sad times. A good portion of these times were with a guy. He managed to walk all over me to get what he wanted. Well, we have just been chit-chatting randomly and last night, he called. I feel like I cannot really talk to him because I'm scared of getting hurt again. Well, once again this morning the dreadful song appeared on my cell phone....he wants to "watch a movie tonight" but I do not know what to do. HELP ME! Ring ring, I hear the dreadful song.

MVP to MBM...

Live,laugh,love seems to be a quote that many people like to use to live a happy life. In order to live a great life, it should be filled with love and laugher but my life has been far from it. As a young child, both of my parents died. When I was two I was adopted by my fathers cousins, Guy and Linda Maxwell. My name was changed from Mary Violet Pettengill to Mary Beth Maxwell. I grew up as a pretty normal child, I had three brothers and a family that loved me more than I could ever know. When I was in third grade, My father developed Renal Cell Carcinoma. As my father was slowly dying from stage four cancer, I was trying to live the life of a developing child. My fathers illness really was a hard thing for me to deal with. At the age of twelve, my hero passed away and went to be with God. It was a really hard time for me and his death is still a daily struggle for me to deal with. He was the only father I ever knew and he will no longer be here in my life to experience the love and heartaches that I will go through. Growing up the past 6 years without him has been very very hard. He was not there for me to enter high school, he wasn't there for the moment I made the softball team, he wasn't there when I became the chief editor of the yearbook, he wasn't there when I became the class president, he wasn't there to see me go on my first date, he wasn't there for prom, he wasn't there when I graduated, he wasn't there when I was accepted to college, he wasn't there when I received my scholarship and he isn't here to help me experience life on my own. I am without it physically but mentally and spiritually he is with me and always will be. This is still a hard concept for me to grasp but I have to believe it. 2010 is a year that I will grasp and make it into a year that will change my life. This year I will LIVE life fully, LAUGH often with friends and family and learn to LOVE everything around me and love myself! This is the year of change!